That's it - I've had enough!

Recently, someone I know chose to do some very hurtful things in a very public way.  Much of what this woman wrote on social media sites brought back horrible memories for her family of very personal and painful childhood episodes consisting of physical attacks and cruel treatment.  She also openly accused her parents of child abuse, writing of episodes she said she recalled and insisted her parents admit publicly to the abuse.  While she wrote that she fully understood her efforts to make her perceived abuse public would result in the loss of all of her family relationships, she continued her efforts hurtful to others.  It seemed she was oblivious to the consequences of her actions.

There is no doubt what she wrote was causing turmoil.  Friends and family struggled to communicate to her what she was doing was very hurtful and was having an impact on her relationship with others.  At the same time, others encouraged her to break from her family ties in favor of telling her stories of abuse. Though she said she loved those that were being hurt, she continued to write hurtful things.  Full on conflict seemed inevitable, and initial indications were that the episode would destroy many.  Was the positive and negative feedback she was receiving helpful or detrimental?

Each of us have moments in our lives that are painful.  Many times those challenges upflift or motivate us, and we try not dwell on those times in favor of living a healthy life.   In this situation, those that had suffered at the hands of the woman writing hurtful things were forced to relive awful memories.  It seemed that what this woman was doing would destroy the lives of all of those that should have meant  the most to her.  It seemed that the situation was destined to end with disastrous results - no matter what was said or done, conflict seemed to be the only solution.

Amazingly, those that suffered through the recollections began to openly discuss their experiences with others.  Though the timing was not good (as if it ever is!), the situation had actually caused them to relive the painful moments at a time they were in a position to understand and better deal with the feelings associated with the abusive encounters.  Sharing these common experiences with others had afforded them a perfect opportunity to reflect on how much their healthy relationships defined who they were and create better understanding that the painful episodes were not going to destroy them.  It strengthened their resolve to be better persons to those they cared for.  What seemed so divisive had actually deepened the bonds between the healthy relationships they had with family and friends.

How do we resolve that which seemed to be unresolvable?  What other kinds of things can we do, in a healthy way, to deal with conflict resolution?  Is it wise to confront and deflect what's being said and perhaps work towards removing the hurtful words?  Or is it more appropriate to somehow find the inner strength to ignore what is written even though the words are so incredibly offensive?  How do we best communicate that the acts a person is engaged in are hurtful and counterproductive to a healthy resolution?

A wonderful resource for managing anger and resolving conflict: 

http://helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm

I encourage everyone to read what is written at this URL - there is very useful information.  I especially like the suggestions the authors make for "fighting fair":

It’s okay to be upset at someone, but if you don’t fight fair, the relationship will quickly break down. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others. 

• Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.
• Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.
• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

 I hope each of you have a conflict free day and that your relationships strengthen with each of life's challenges!