Throughout my entire adult life I've watched all of my personal assets consumed in our journey as a family. I hope each of you are confident that I will gladly surrender all I own to make each of your lives better. I love each of you very much and will gladly make any sacrifice I can for you.
Over the last several years, as you have grown into adults, I've had a lot of time to dwell on our life together as a family. I've reflected on all of our successes and our failures. I've relived joys - and, of course, the pain. I'm happy to report as publically as I can - I'm proud of you. I have three very special, very talented and wonderful children I'm proud to leave as my legacy.
To all of you - I'm very sorry. I painfully know now that I was not in the least bit fair. I tried so hard to be "fair", but failed miserably. In my quest to create a "fair" situation, I was very unfair.
I'm so sorry for not listening to you - hearing your pleas - and not paying attention to what you expressed about how unfair I really was. In my frustration to try to create a fair situation - I expressed myself in ways I have come to realize were not at all right. It has been very painful for me to hear your stories and know that I could have made things different for you. I know you have seen changes in the way I am now, versus the way I had been when you were younger. You have my solemn promise that I am taking all of this reflection to heart, and will work to be the best parent, advocate, friend, counsel, etc. I can be for you going forward. I will listen very carefully, and will work diligently to not "react" - even when the news is not so good.
To my one child that believes her childhood was "toxic".
You often wanted to take the lead - be in charge - run the show. If the situation dicated some form of structure, you wanted to be right there as the person creating the structure. And - if the adults decided that the form of structure was not something you agreed with - you would impose your own form of structure regardless of the consequence. I often thought at that time those qualities would make you incredibly successful. I hope I've not misjudged what I still view as potential admirable qualities.
But I also have been painfully aware that our relationship was difficult. You often expressed to me and others that nothing seemed fair or right and that no one ever listened to you. My memories of you as a child are filled with challenges to everything and everyone around you. Your parents, your friends, your teachers - anyone that was involved in anything you did.
It truly was not fair that you did not live as a child and wanted, instead, to be a parent. I'm sorry you viewed the struggles you had as "toxic". I have to believe you would be much better off today if you'd lived your childhood as a child, rather than trying to assume the mantle of such responsibility. I can see now that it must have been terribly frustrating for you to try to make sense out of something that could not have made sense to you. I wish I would have better recognized the struggle and found some means of creating a better balance for you.
I promise each of you that I will continue to be there as much as I'm able. I truly want to be there to encourage you, to strengthen you and hold you up when you need support. I know I will not always be perfect, but I do promise to tirelessly strive to listen and work even harder to respect your view. That even applies to my child with the new tattoo on their back. I'm struggling with your decision, but I'm sincerely trying to understand and be supportive - and I do love you.
...and to my best friend (even though you're not my child, I know you're reading this). I'm so incredibly grateful you were by my side as we traveled this journey together. It now is so clear to me that I would endlessly complain to you about EVERYTHING - and that could not have been very pleasant for you at all. I know you've bourne the brunt of much of my frustration - and I'm so sorry for that. I know you're going to say I'm "goofy", but you are such an incredibly special person. I wish I had half the patience and understanding you have. You've taught me so much about being a better person - for you, and for our children.
I reaffirm for you that I will work tirelessly to commit myself to making our time together as special as it can be - to be a better person and to support you in any and every way I can. I love you.
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