I often ponder that question when I want to say something very important - when I'm really worried about how the other person will react. Sometimes it's my boss - when he's asking me to do a project I know I have no time for. Or my wife - who's asking me to do a task I really don't feel like doing. It could be my father - when he just wants to spend time with me and I have three other things I really need to do at the same time 20 miles away from where he wants to meet.
There are those infrequent times (thank goodness!) when no matter what I say I know it will not be well received. Those truly awkward times when I just really want to crawl into a hole rather than say anything. Or praying that I will be called away to a foreign country at the moment I have to deliver the message.
Some of us have no problem saying what's on their mind - even if it's to the detriment of the person their saying it to. I often hear those exchanges and wonder if the person delivering the message is at all concerned about being empathetic to the person they're talking to. Do they really not care what the other person thinks or feels?
Then there are those that are truly overboard. It's as if they do not weigh any of the consequences of their communication against all possible factors - to the point that it appears they're absolutely cavalier with what they are saying. I see them struggle with the backlash after they've communicated what they wanted to say, forcing them deeply into a defensive position. Or - they are delivering a critical message about personal issues to others that they themselves have difficult struggles with - as if they will feel better about themselves for correcting the behavior of others. Oftentimes I see in their defensiveness they use faulty logic, misrepresentation of the facts or a complete misperception of the situation. It's as if they trigger a sequence of events that is destined to go bad no matter how it's presented. I see the downward spiral and think - how could they have not known what they said was going to lead them to the place they ended up? And, more importantly, does the end they seek truly justify the means at which they push to the end?
When I was younger, I found myself much more direct. But I always tried to at least be empathetic and understanding of the person I was talking to. As I've become older I've been much more concious of what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. I've even gotten to the point that I don't say anything if I can have some time to think of an appropriate response before I deliver an important message. It seems to work most times for me. But - I still struggle with those really difficult conversations - those times when I'm most challenged with responding to a question that has no simple answer.
I see people able to handle very difficult conversations so well. They seem to be at great ease as they do it. What are those special "things" they possess that I don't have a good grasp on? Wisdom? Understanding? Empathy?
What are those tips/techniques we can share with one another that helps us to deliver that difficult message to others so as not to turn them off or cause pain and suffering? In other words - how do we engage in a difficult conversation without causing more difficulty?
I hope you have a day filled with good news!
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