It really hurts - do something!!!

It's inevitable - everyone is going to face pain at some point.  Most will have some form of pain, many will feel severe pain.  And a few will live with continuous long term or "chronic" pain.  

From what we know, is pain not a signal that something might be wrong in our body?  This answer is obvious - of course it is!  It's our body's way of telling us to pay attention - something needs to be fixed!  and pain should never be ignored until it is fully established what might be causing the pain.

In most cases,  the treatment of the underlying condition will reduce or eliminate the pain.  But - what if the circuitry in our body is somehow confused?  Is the body giving a symptom of something that might lead to a more severe condition?  Or does the body's report of a painful condition not mean there is a need for repair (e.g. chronic migraine headaches)? 

In many cases of chronic pain, the causes are not fully known, easily understood or (in some cases) fully treatable.  This leaves some afflicted with a painful condition and somehow finding a path of coping with the pain with very little hope that there is an easy fix for the problem.  Those living with a chronic pain condition often share incredible personal stories of how difficult it is can be to get their pain under control.  The alternative can be the person afflicted with such pain must succumb to existing in a dark room, taking heavy pain medications and constantly sleeping!  Or - complaining to others about how bad things are, or refusing to participate in any activity because it is too painful!  Thinking that others don't care about them, or that they refuse to interact with them because they're not "normal".  What kind of existence can that be? 

Anyone that struggles with chronic pain should appreciate that creating a plan that eliminates or reduces the pain to a tolerable level should allow them to function in a quasi-normal way - even if they cannot fully eliminate the pain.  How does that person get past the pain to create a sense of normalcy?   How does one cope with a high level of pain - and at the same time, live to want to be a part of their community?  

Several things that will help to deal with chronic pain:

Find and Develop good partnerships with medical professionals that are able to treat the painful condition or focus on reducing the pain. 

Persons that live with chronic pain often know too well that if they present themselves in an emergency room showing only symptoms of pain with no apparent underlying cause, medical professionals will most often treat the condition conservatively.  How terrible is that - when a person in severe pain is looking to hospital staff to make the pain go away, the treating professionals are very likely looking at non-narcotic alternatives or only low doses of narcotic medications to treat the pain!  

But - if you're a medical professional that absolutely makes sense.  The pain cannot be accurately quantified, it's only a subjective report given to them by the patient.  The medical professional presented with the symptons have only small, short glimpse of this issue and really has nothing more to rely upon other than what a patient in apparent severe pain is reporting.   

It is best to treat any condition as conservatively as possible unless there is completely a compelling reason to do otherwise.  And each persons pain threshold is completely different than anyone else!  As tough as it is for someone in severe pain - pain cannot be the only motivator to force a medical professional to do otherwise!    It is rare (and extremely risky) for a medical professional to look to completely sedate someone that is suffering pain.  Dong so could very well create a larger, more dangerous situation (e.g. the person stops breathing). 

A person visiting an emergency room to treat chronic pain must be prepared that doing so might not result in what it is they need most - relief from their chronic pain!  Think about alternatives - develop a plan that only has a last result of visiting an emergency room. 

1. Since a visit to an emergency room will likely be when you're most affected by pain, understand in advance that emergency room medical staff are are likely to be very unfamiliar with the chronic pain condition you're suffering    
2. Only visit an emergency room if the primary treating medical professionals suggests is is appropriate to do so.     
3. Only visit an emergency room if the primary treating medical professionals are in conversations with the emergency room personnel or be prepared to carry medical records to the emergency room that will help the emergency room staff to better evaluate your condition. 
4. And - most importantly - set a reasonable expectation around how the emergency room staff may be prepared to treat the chronic pain.  It will alleviate much of the anxiety and frustration if they're not meeting your needs.

Carefully follow the medical professionals recommendations - even at personal sacrifice.  Oftentimes it is through that process of trial and error that finally results in a discovery to eliminate or reduce the painful condition!  

What is the best way to deal with chronic pain?  Any treatment plan must consider the end state and how it might be affected by any risks in the treatment plan.    It is far better, for example, to seek ways of treating chronic pain without resorting to putting the person suffering the pain on long term narcotic pain medications.  Choosing narcotic pain medications as a means of treating the painful condition exposes the person being treated to very high levels of risk.  Medical professionals should truly only be considering a treatment course of narcotic pain medications as a last ditch attempt to resolve the pain!

Long term use of narcotic pain medications will mean they will become less and less effective at controlling the pain - leaving the person taking the medication to continually increase the dosage.  And - EVERY narcotic pain medication is addictive. 

Narcotic pain medications are effective at doing what they do because they're mind altering.  That's why they work!  What does that mean to someone taking long term pain medications?  Bottom line - there is a very high likelihood these types of medications will affect moods, personal interactions with others, processing information, etc.  In other words, this kind of treatment has a potential for severe impact on living a normal life!  The higher the dose - the more profound potential affect the narcotic pain medication will have on right thinking.  Anyone taking these medications should be evaluating what affect the medication is having on their personality - they're processing of information - their interactions with others. 

Persons taking long term narcotic pain medications to control the pain must create a plan to ensure they are extremely careful about their use of the medications!  The alternative is often disasterous - not only do they have a chronic painful condition, but now they also face consequences for the use of the pain medications they need to treat their condition!

It is absolutely imperative that anyone on long term pain medications take responsibility for the care of their condition.  The responsibility includes carefully following their medical professionals guidance on the dose and frequency of taking the medication.  They must not mix one pain medication with another pain medication or other drugs - there could be harmful interactions.  And (most imporantely) THEY MUST NEVER use alcohol with any long term pain medication.  Doing so is EXTREMELY dangerous!   

It is also imperative that any potential side effects of these types of medications on the person taking them be fully evaluated.   Persons taking these medications need to realize and understand that if they're receiving feedback from others around them that their behavior is unusual or inappropriate - there is an immediate need to communicate that information to their medical professional before the situation worsens!

Bottom line - persons taking long term narcotic pain medications will often be their own best advocate, as long as they advocate responsibly!

Finally.  Don't give up!  Always maintain a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.  Family, friends and others will find it much easier to support the journey of trying to maintain a normal lifestyle if the chronic pain condition does not otherwise severely impact their relationship!

I would love to have others reading this blog share their stories of overcoming their pain or lessening the affect on their life.  These kinds of insightful, inspiring stories could bring less suffering for others.  Please feel free to comment and share!

I hope everyone reading this has a pain free day!

An open letter to my children...

Throughout my entire adult life I've watched all of my personal assets consumed in our journey as a family.  I hope each of you are confident that I will gladly surrender all I own to make each of your lives better.  I love each of you very much and will gladly make any sacrifice I can for you.

Over the last several years, as you have grown into adults, I've had a lot of time to dwell on our life together as a family.  I've reflected on all of our successes and our failures.  I've relived joys - and, of course, the pain.  I'm happy to report as publically as I can - I'm proud of you.  I have three very special, very talented and wonderful children I'm proud to leave as my legacy.

To all of you - I'm very sorry.  I painfully know now that I was not in the least bit fair.  I tried so hard to be "fair", but failed miserably.  In my quest to create a "fair" situation, I was very unfair.    

I'm so sorry for not listening to you - hearing your pleas - and not paying attention to what you expressed about how unfair I really was.  In my frustration to try to create a fair situation - I expressed myself in ways I have come to realize were not at all right.  It has been very painful for me to hear your stories and know that I could have made things different for you.  I know you have seen changes in the way I am now, versus the way I had been when you were younger.  You have my solemn promise that I am taking all of this reflection to heart, and will work to be the best parent, advocate, friend, counsel, etc. I can be for you going forward.  I will listen very carefully, and will work diligently to not "react" - even when the news is not so good.

To my one child that believes her childhood was "toxic".

You often wanted to take the lead - be in charge - run the show.  If the situation dicated some form of structure, you wanted to be right there as the person creating the structure.  And - if the adults decided that the form of structure was not something you agreed with - you would impose your own form of structure regardless of the consequence.  I often thought at that time those qualities would make you incredibly successful.  I hope I've not misjudged what I still view as potential admirable qualities.

But I also have been painfully aware that our relationship was difficult.  You often expressed to me and others that nothing seemed fair or right and that no one ever listened to you.  My memories of you as a child are filled with challenges to everything and everyone around you.  Your parents, your friends, your teachers - anyone that was involved in anything you did.     

It truly was not fair that you did not live as a child and wanted, instead, to be a parent.  I'm sorry you viewed the struggles you had as "toxic".  I have to believe you would be much better off today if you'd lived your childhood as a child, rather than trying to assume the mantle of such responsibility.  I can see now that it must have been terribly frustrating for you to try to make sense out of something that could not have made sense to you.  I wish I would have better recognized the struggle and found some means of creating a better balance for you.

I promise each of you that I will continue to be there as much as I'm able.  I truly want to be there to encourage you, to strengthen you and hold you up when you need support.  I know I will not always be perfect, but I do promise to tirelessly strive to listen and work even harder to respect your view.  That even applies to my child with the new tattoo on their back.  I'm struggling with your decision, but I'm sincerely trying to understand and be supportive - and I do love you.

...and to my best friend (even though you're not my child, I know you're reading this).  I'm so incredibly grateful you were by my side as we traveled this journey together.  It now is so clear to me that I would endlessly complain to you about EVERYTHING - and that could not have been very pleasant for you at all.  I know you've bourne the brunt of much of my frustration - and I'm so sorry for that.  I know you're going to say I'm "goofy", but you are such an incredibly special person.  I wish I had half the patience and understanding you have.  You've taught me so much about being a better person - for you, and for our children.   

I reaffirm for you that I will work tirelessly to commit myself to making our time together as special as it can be - to be a better person and to support you in any and every way I can.  I love you.

Perception is reality!

When does perception become reality?

Recently while shopping in a grocery store I received a call on my cellular phone.  The signal was cutting in and out and it was very difficult to hear and understand the caller.  On two separate occasions the call dropped.  When I tried to call back, the call would not go through. Frustrating, to say the least.  And I certainly did not want anyone to get the impression I was not interested in the conversation.

Imagine you were aware of the phone call going on, but not paying full attention to the conversation.  Would you perceive the situation as an issue of poor signal?  Or - would you perceive the issue as one person rudely hanging up on the other?

Most times, what we experience with our senses is reality. However - are there ever times when our experience does not accurately reflect reality?  Of course!  Think of times when we believe we're in a certain reality, but the actual situation is not truly real.  Optical illusions are the one thing that immediately comes to mind - those situations when our mind "sees" something but what we're looking at is not a true representation of what is actually there.

Most of us have had those difficult discussions  - when the person we're communicating with believes a situation is they way they perceive when in reality they are misperceiving the situation.  Inevitably, the question is - is perception reality?  Or - more accurate - is "mis"perception reality?

In most intances the misperception can be easily resolved with a reasoned discussion, and there is no harm resulting from the misperception.  However - what about those times when the misperception causes innapropriate consequences or unjustified conflict?  History repeatedly shows misperception causes conflict - where thousands lose their lives!  And countless personal relationships have been torn apart due to misperceptions!

Recognizing and correcting misperceptions requires an open mind and a willingness to accept that what one believes is true, might not be true.  Especially for the sake of our personal relationships, it's imperative we be willing to give the benefit of doubt.

I sincerely hope anyone following these writings has not misperceived that I am no longer interested in my blog.  Unfortunately, work has been rather busy and distracted me from updating more often.  I certainly am trying to reduce any work misperceptions about my willingness to go the extra mile!  Thanks for everyone's patience as I try to create a reasonable work-life balance.

Stay tuned - the best is yet to come!

That's it - I've had enough!

Recently, someone I know chose to do some very hurtful things in a very public way.  Much of what this woman wrote on social media sites brought back horrible memories for her family of very personal and painful childhood episodes consisting of physical attacks and cruel treatment.  She also openly accused her parents of child abuse, writing of episodes she said she recalled and insisted her parents admit publicly to the abuse.  While she wrote that she fully understood her efforts to make her perceived abuse public would result in the loss of all of her family relationships, she continued her efforts hurtful to others.  It seemed she was oblivious to the consequences of her actions.

There is no doubt what she wrote was causing turmoil.  Friends and family struggled to communicate to her what she was doing was very hurtful and was having an impact on her relationship with others.  At the same time, others encouraged her to break from her family ties in favor of telling her stories of abuse. Though she said she loved those that were being hurt, she continued to write hurtful things.  Full on conflict seemed inevitable, and initial indications were that the episode would destroy many.  Was the positive and negative feedback she was receiving helpful or detrimental?

Each of us have moments in our lives that are painful.  Many times those challenges upflift or motivate us, and we try not dwell on those times in favor of living a healthy life.   In this situation, those that had suffered at the hands of the woman writing hurtful things were forced to relive awful memories.  It seemed that what this woman was doing would destroy the lives of all of those that should have meant  the most to her.  It seemed that the situation was destined to end with disastrous results - no matter what was said or done, conflict seemed to be the only solution.

Amazingly, those that suffered through the recollections began to openly discuss their experiences with others.  Though the timing was not good (as if it ever is!), the situation had actually caused them to relive the painful moments at a time they were in a position to understand and better deal with the feelings associated with the abusive encounters.  Sharing these common experiences with others had afforded them a perfect opportunity to reflect on how much their healthy relationships defined who they were and create better understanding that the painful episodes were not going to destroy them.  It strengthened their resolve to be better persons to those they cared for.  What seemed so divisive had actually deepened the bonds between the healthy relationships they had with family and friends.

How do we resolve that which seemed to be unresolvable?  What other kinds of things can we do, in a healthy way, to deal with conflict resolution?  Is it wise to confront and deflect what's being said and perhaps work towards removing the hurtful words?  Or is it more appropriate to somehow find the inner strength to ignore what is written even though the words are so incredibly offensive?  How do we best communicate that the acts a person is engaged in are hurtful and counterproductive to a healthy resolution?

A wonderful resource for managing anger and resolving conflict: 

http://helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm

I encourage everyone to read what is written at this URL - there is very useful information.  I especially like the suggestions the authors make for "fighting fair":

It’s okay to be upset at someone, but if you don’t fight fair, the relationship will quickly break down. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others. 

• Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.
• Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.
• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

 I hope each of you have a conflict free day and that your relationships strengthen with each of life's challenges!

How do I say this....

I often ponder that question when I want to say something very important - when I'm really worried about how the other person will react. Sometimes it's my boss - when he's asking me to do a project I know I have no time for. Or my wife - who's asking me to do a task I really don't feel like doing. It could be my father - when he just wants to spend time with me and I have three other things I really need to do at the same time 20 miles away from where he wants to meet.

There are those infrequent times (thank goodness!) when no matter what I say I know it will not be well received. Those truly awkward times when I just really want to crawl into a hole rather than say anything. Or praying that I will be called away to a foreign country at the moment I have to deliver the message.

Some of us have no problem saying what's on their mind - even if it's to the detriment of the person their saying it to. I often hear those exchanges and wonder if the person delivering the message is at all concerned about being empathetic to the person they're talking to. Do they really not care what the other person thinks or feels?

Then there are those that are truly overboard. It's as if they do not weigh any of the consequences of their communication against all possible factors - to the point that it appears they're absolutely cavalier with what they are saying. I see them struggle with the backlash after they've communicated what they wanted to say, forcing them deeply into a defensive position. Or - they are delivering a critical message about personal issues to others that they themselves have difficult struggles with - as if they will feel better about themselves for correcting the behavior of others. Oftentimes I see in their defensiveness they use faulty logic, misrepresentation of the facts or a complete misperception of the situation. It's as if they trigger a sequence of events that is destined to go bad no matter how it's presented. I see the downward spiral and think - how could they have not known what they said was going to lead them to the place they ended up? And, more importantly, does the end they seek truly justify the means at which they push to the end?

When I was younger, I found myself much more direct. But I always tried to at least be empathetic and understanding of the person I was talking to. As I've become older I've been much more concious of what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. I've even gotten to the point that I don't say anything if I can have some time to think of an appropriate response before I deliver an important message. It seems to work most times for me. But - I still struggle with those really difficult conversations - those times when I'm most challenged with responding to a question that has no simple answer.

I see people able to handle very difficult conversations so well. They seem to be at great ease as they do it. What are those special "things" they possess that I don't have a good grasp on? Wisdom? Understanding? Empathy?

What are those tips/techniques we can share with one another that helps us to deliver that difficult message to others so as not to turn them off or cause pain and suffering? In other words - how do we engage in a difficult conversation without causing more difficulty?

I hope you have a day filled with good news!

The Dawn!

I am creating this blog with the hopes of encouraging spirited and uplifting discussions about all of those life challenges that drag us down in the hopes I inspire others to think and act more positively.  By doing so, I believe each of can live more fulfilled and happy lives.

I know this topic of cyber bullying has been previously discussed elsewhere, but it is a topic that remains largely unresolved.

Many lives have been so horribly impacted by cyber-bullying - the posting of malicious and false information to intentionally cause harm to others.  Headlines have been increasingly filled with stories of self destruction after episodes with cyber bullies

In years past - bullying was done face to face, not across a far expanse that the bullying could not otherwise be dealt with in a more hands on way - the bully would receive direct intervention.  But what of this cyber world - where social media allows users to stretch across the expanse of the globe?  Intervention is difficult and most times impossible.  Anonymity or masked identity is easy.  Victim's are often left wondering,  "...why would <insert the name> say those incredibly horrible things about me?  I thought they liked me..."

With this powerful world called the internet - and all of this information available at your fingertips - how does one truly discern between what is the truth and what is fiction?  It is worrisome that someone could easily create information that would very negatively impact others.  And - most disturbing - there are absolutely no controls to remove the information if it is false.

What kinds of positive things can we learn from one another or teach our children that would help to reduce the episodes of cyber-bullying?  And we all need to think in broad terms - from the sometimes petty "hen pecking" that goes on between children to the type of cyber bullying that grown "right thinking" adults engage in. Please share your thoughts - I'd love to hear them!

Thanks for caring and sharing.  I hope each of you have a day filled with joy!